Poor communication is the top reason for family business failures and avoiding difficult conversations is a common cause for poor communication. So, what happens when someone does not have the courage, skills, or integrity to have difficult conversations directly? What if someone is avoiding the conversation because they want to manipulate the situation to ensure their own selfish desires? Without these necessary conversations, manipulation and further division will ensue.
Without direct conversations, more division will be caused as resentment continues to grow under the surface as the issue remains unresolved. Even worse, the door is now open for those involved to employ more unethical ways of attempting to seize control for their own selfish interests through indirect conversations, or triangulation.
Although the parties are not discussing the issue directly, this doesn’t mean that the issue is resolved or they aren’t talking about it. More than likely, the issue is still being discussed indirectly. In other words, the triangulation has begun.
Once triangulation has begun, the issue that started the conflict will continue to get worse and the collateral damage will continue to grow. The issue will most certainly never be resolved until the triangulation has stopped and the collateral damage repaired. As this insidious disease of triangulation continues to infect more and more people, it will continue to become harder to stop and the relationships involved will likely be indefinitely harmed. In the case of a family business, once triangulation is allowed to happen, the trust and relationships that are generally the strength and competitive advantage in a family business are lost. If you are a Christian Family Business, these indirect conversations portraying another in a negative light, is also a sin – see the greatest commandments and the Ten Commandments (Commandments #1, 5, 7, 8, and 10.) Triangulation causes immense harm to our relationship with God, our relationships with others, to our families, to our teams, and to our businesses.
DIAGNOSING THE DISEASE
Most people know that you shouldn’t speak negatively about another person so they may rationalize, or disguise, their intentions by “asking for advice”, “needing to vent”, “giving feedback”, “providing an update”, even “sharing gossip”, etc. Although it may be dressed up in seemingly harmless talk, or sandwiched between nicer comments about the other person, the person is, possibly unintentionally, but more likely intentionally, trying to manipulate the perception and reputation of the other person that is not there to defend themselves. This is triangulation and it’s a form of communication where instead of talking WITH the other person, someone is talking ABOUT the other person. This manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior is toxic, insidious, and destructive to all involved.
Simply Psychology refers to triangulation as, “a communication pattern where one person avoids direct interaction with another, instead using a third person as an intermediary. This can create misunderstandings and conflicts, often serving as a manipulative strategy to control or gain power.”
Business News describes triangulation in the workplace as, “a passive-aggressive tactic of manipulation used by people who are, in general, selfish and/or ignorant about the impact of their behaviors in the workplace. At its core, triangulation pits people against one another and has the effect of dividing people.”
In essence, triangulation happens whenever a person has an issue with someone and begins talking about it with somebody else instead of talking directly with the person in which they have the issue. When anyone triangulates an issue, they spread it and magnify it, without doing anything to solve it. This can happen whenever two people have a conflict, when someone takes issue with another person’s behavior, whenever someone gossips about someone else, whenever someone vents about someone else, even when someone is asking for advice on how to deal with someone else, these are all common forms of triangulation.
GOSSIP
Gossip is a common tool used in triangulation to manipulate relationships, reputations, and often decisions involving others in the triangle. The gossiper may be venting to the make themselves feel better, gain an ally, seek justification, tell their side of the story, or to gain an advantage for themselves.
VENTING, SEEKING ADVICE, OR OTHER SNEAKY VARIANTS
Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a co-worker, you have likely had someone come to you because they “just need to vent”, “need advice” or “just want to run something by you”. If they are venting about another person, needing advice for dealing with another person, or wanting to discuss a situation with another person, this is triangulation. This person is attempting to pull you into a triangle so look out!
In families and family businesses, this is especially prevalent and harmful. With the perception that love, power, and money are potentially at stake, family members looking out for their own self-interest will utilize triangulation to gain an advantage and discredit anyone they feel could get in their way.
It can seem harmless enough. On the surface, it seems as simple as an adult child talking to their parent or a sibling about another family member to seek advice, vent, or get their opinion. Getting advice or seeking another’s opinion is not a problem in itself, unless it involves discussing someone else that isn’t there regarding something negative (e.g. conflict with them, bad behavior, decisions affected them, etc.). This is where a harmless conversation has turned into manipulation.
When the person initiating, or the person willingly participating by allowing a discussion about another person, the conversation is confronted about this behavior, they may try to rationalize and justify their behavior. They may suggest that there is nothing wrong with having discussions or seeking advice from another family member or someone else. “Are you saying I can’t talk to my son/daughter/mom/dad/brother/sister?!” Of course, there is nothing wrong with talking about another person UNLESS it involves discussing them in a negative light.
For example, if I was discussing with my mom about planning a surprise birthday party for my brother, there would be nothing wrong with the discussion, however if the discussion turned to how we need to get him a big gift because the brother is so materialistic, now the discussion has turned into triangulation. The seed has been planted with Mom that the brother is materialistic. Now, with that idea firmly planted in the mind of Mom, the confirmation bias for Mom will take over and continually strengthen her belief that the brother is materialistic. Anything the brother does that seems to discount the new belief will likely be disregarded and any evidence she perceives to support the idea will be strengthened. The brother with a birthday coming up has no idea that his reputation has just been manipulated in the eyes of his mom due to a “harmless” conversation that occurred without his knowledge. When the brother receives the gift and doesn’t jump out of his chair with excitement, the mom immediately thinks in her mind, “it must be because the gift wasn’t good enough because he’s so materialistic”, further supporting Mom’s belief. (Not knowing that the brother could have felt uncomfortable because he was worried about the mom spending money on him because she was struggling to pay her bills.)
At its worst, triangulation is intentionally manipulating others as a divide and conquer strategy. At its best, it’s unintentionally venting, gossiping, or spreading a biased version of events to a third party that is not the direct person who is involved. Whether intentional or unintentional, it is just as destructive to relationships, families, and businesses.
TELLTALE SIGNS OF A TOXIC TRIANGULATOR:
- They have a conflict, but they are not open to speaking to the other person directly. You may hear the excuse that it is too small to be worth confronting, but if this was true why are they going to another person to discuss it? Small issues become bigger issues if not addressed.
They may also offer the excuse that it is too hard to talk to the other person directly,
or it will further strain the relationship. Leadership, relationships, and kindness require having difficult conversations. What would strain your relationship more – speaking to them directly or speaking about them to another person and they find out about it? - They are not interested in healing the strained relationship. They just want to vent or disparage the other person with no real plan for reconciliation. Families and businesses are only as strong as the relationships within them. If someone is not willing to do what is required to maintain and repair relationships, how can they be a healthy part of the family or business? Does refusing to maintain the strength of relationships in your family or business align with your values?
- They refuse to consider how their own actions may have contributed to the conflict. Instead, they want something to be done for them based upon biased information, gossip, assumptions, etc. and are not interested in objectively considering the facts of what has been directly observed.
- They are not very careful to consider all circumstances and possible consequences about their motives or actions. As Catholics, Christians, leaders, employees, family members, friends, parents, even as functioning members of society, we must consider the circumstances and possible consequences of our motives and actions.
HOW TO AVOID BEING INFECTED OR MANIPULATED
Prevention – Educate and Train Yourself, Your Family, and Other Leaders
Whether you’re a leader in business, family, or the community, ALL leaders must be alert to triangulation. This should be required education and training for businesses and families. Educate everyone on triangulation, including what it looks like, how to prevent it, and what to do about it.
The training on triangulation should be part of a larger training on the process for conflict resolution. This conflict resolution process should include effective communication skills to resolve conflicts in ways that align with family and business values and work to strengthen relationships. The training should also detail the consequences for not following the process (such as when triangulation is attempted).
Reduction – Slow or Stop the Spread through Best Practices
Whenever there is more than one person, conflict is inevitable. Whenever there is 3 or more people, triangulation will be attempted. In order to be prepared for conflict and triangulation attempts, there must be an accountable process for conflict resolution and communication. This process should foster a safe environment for respectful, direct conversations with an escalation process when necessary if conflicts remain unresolved.
As in all circumstances, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6) For general guidance with conflict resolution and avoiding triangulation, consider the greatest commandments from Jesus:
“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” – Matthew 22:36-40 NRSVCE
Whenever you are considering speaking about another person or someone is speaking to you about another person, ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable if someone was having this discussion about me when I wasn’t there?” If you wouldn’t be comfortable with this conversation taking place than it naturally follows that you are breaking the second greatest commandment by having the conversation (sin of commission) or failing to stop the conversation from taking place (sin of omission). Ask yourself, how can we best demonstrate ‘loving your neighbor as yourself’. If someone had a conflict with you, how would you prefer it be handled? Wouldn’t you prefer they respectfully speak to you directly about it in order to fairly and ethically resolve the issue?
If talking behind someone’s back takes place and the other person found out, they would legitimately be hurt. If someone wants to talk to you about another person, the best way to stop triangulation is to ask them, “Have you spoken with them about this yet?” If they haven’t, warn them that they should not talk behind others’ back. Encourage them to go speak with the other person to resolve the conflict. Hold them accountable to do what is right by checking back later to make sure they followed through with speaking with the other person and what was mutually agreed upon to resolve the issue.
Minimizing the Impact – Standardize Precautions and Consequences
Unfortunately, even with the guidance of the greatest commandments and an established conflict resolution process, there will be people that will go against them. In order to protect the family and the business, there needs to be accountability and governance as well.
Make sure to establish a decision-making process for major decisions that impact the family, business or both. This process should focus on making the best decisions with fair and objective information while protecting against any subjective information, indirect conversations, bias, partiality, or influence that could impact decisions.
Establish and follow-through on consequences for anyone that does not utilize, or attempts to circumvent, the agreed upon processes. It should be documented whenever someone goes against the agreed processes (e.g. attempts to triangulate). If someone continues to attempt to triangulate and refuses to utilize the processes established for healthy communication, boundaries must be set up with this person. If this seems harsh to you, consider that this person is intentionally trying to manipulate others for their own benefit at the expense of others. In a business, this is a performance issue and should be documented as such. In a family and business, this is an insidious and infectious disease that will harm, if not destroy,
both if allowed to continue.
For more specific guidance, Jesus provided us with a 4-Step process for conflict resolution that can be modeled in Matthew 18:15-20:
“If another member of the church sins against you,
- go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one
- But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
- If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;
- and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”
In other words, if anyone has a concern with anyone else, they MUST:
- Speak to them directly first. Speak to the person directly with respect and gentleness (1 Peter 2:17; Titus 3:2; Ephesians 4:2-3; 2 Timothy 2:22-26, Romans 14:13) with the intent to resolve the issue in the way that demonstrates that you love your neighbor as yourself. In most cases, this should resolve the issue if both parties are
committed to resolving the issue in a just, respectful, and ethical way. - If speaking directly doesn’t work, then bring in one or two others to discuss it together respectfully with the intent again to resolve the issue in the way that demonstrates that you love your neighbor as yourself. The additional people should be pertinent to the issue and can confirm or deny any facts related to the issue as well as be witnesses to what is mutually agreed upon to resolve the issue. This could possibly be discussed as part of a family council meeting. Specifically define the problem, consider the vision, mission, values, priorities for God, family, business in that order. Decide how to handle issue that is best for these priorities. As an added tip, you may want to document the discussion and agreed next steps to prevent disagreements in the future as to what was agreed upon.
- If bringing others pertinent to the issue and confirming the facts doesn’t resolve the issue, bring the issue to church leaders that can help guide the two parties to a resolution that is
consistent with the faith and Jesus’s teachings. - If after this third step, one of the parties refuses to go along with the agreed upon way to resolve the issue (that has now been confirmed with the facts, witnesses, and the church), there needs to be consequences for this person. The consequences could be enforcement of the agreement, discipline for the party that won’t agree to the resolution, and/or establish boundaries with this person (“be to you… as a tax collector”). Boundaries should be established because this person is effectively unwilling to resolve issues as they arise in a way that is consistent with the values of the family, the business, God’s commandments and teachings.
There will be times when some people may not have the integrity or desire to resolve the conflict or repair the relationships. In these cases, boundaries must be established with this person. The health of you, your family, and your business depend upon maintaining strong trust, communication, and relationships. If anyone is unwilling to agree to live by the standards for healthy relationships, it is necessary to quarantine them from infecting others. In other words, establish boundaries between them and those trying to maintain a healthy family and business.
These steps can be part of the structure for accountability and governance to keep and maintain standards for healthy communication and conflict resolution.
Heal, Repair, and Rebuild – Trust and Relationships
Whether intentional or unintentional, triangulation does tremendous damage to trust, credibility, and integrity in relationships. In order to repair the relationships, in the family or business, trust will need to be rebuilt. There will likely be hurt feelings, including anger, sadness, betrayal, etc. People may have been harmed emotionally, financially, possibly even physically. Taking the appropriate steps for forgiveness and reconciliation to rebuild trust and relationships with God and with others will be necessary. The steps are not complex, but they are difficult. By ourselves it is impossible, but with God anything is possible. With His help we can find the courageous humility needed for forgiveness and reconciliation to heal and strengthen our relationships, family, and business.
Take care and God bless. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me.
ADDITIONAL WISDOM FROM THE BIBLE
- “A perverse man spreads strife and a whisperer separates close friends.” – Proverbs 16:28 NRSVCE
- “Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.” – Ephesians 4:29 NRSVCE
- “Remind them… to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show every courtesy to everyone.” – Titus 3:1-2 NRSVCE
- “Have nothing to do with stupid and senseless controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth…” – 2 Timothy 2:23-25 NRSVCE
- “Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.” – Romans 14:13 NRSVCE
- “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” – Proverbs 18:21 NRSVCE
- “An evildoer listens to wicked lips; and a liar gives heed to a mischievous tongue.” – Proverbs 17:4 NRSVCE
- “Who is wise and understanding among you? Show by your good life that your works are done with gentleness born of wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not be boastful and false to the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, devilish. For where there is envy and
selfish ambition, there will also be disorder and wickedness of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.” – James 3:13-17 NRSVCE - “…you shall not deal falsely; and you shall not lie to one another. And you shall not swear falsely by my name… You shall not defraud your neighbor… You shall not render an unjust judgment; you shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great: with justice you shall judge your neighbor. You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not profit by the blood of your neighbor: I am the Lord. You shall not hate in your heart anyone of your kin; you shall reprove your neighbor, or you will incur guilt yourself. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” – Leviticus 19:11-18 NRSVCE
- “Never accept any accusation against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest also may stand in fear. In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels, I warn you to keep these instructions without prejudice, doing nothing on the basis of partiality. Do not ordain anyone hastily, and do not participate in the sins of others; keep yourself pure.” – 1 Timothy 5:19-22 NRSVCE
- “Like somebody who takes a passing dog by the ears is one who meddles in the quarrel of another. Like a maniac who shoots deadly firebrands and arrows, so is one who deceives a neighbor and says, “I am only joking!” For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases. As charcoal is to hot embers and wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body. Like the glaze covering an earthen vessel are smooth lips with an evil heart. An enemy dissembles in speaking while harboring deceit within; when an enemy speaks graciously, do not believe it, for there are seven abominations concealed within; though hatred is covered with guile, the enemy’s wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on the one who starts it rolling. A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” – Proverbs 26:17-28 NRSVCE