Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. – Exodus 20:12 NRSVCE
Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. – Deuteronomy 5:16 NRSVCE
The first 3 commandments are about our duty, responsibility, love, and respect to God. They fall under the first greatest commandment from Jesus, “you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30 NRSVCE) The next 7 commandments are about our duty, responsibility, love, and respect toward ourselves and others. They fall under the second greatest commandment from Jesus, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31 NRSVCE)
The Fourth Commandment is the first commandment of the last seven that focus on our responsibilities toward ourselves and others. This Commandment is about respect and honor toward our parents, as well as those in authority (teachers, employers, governors, elders, coaches, etc.) We owe respect and honor to our parents, because they are God’s representatives to fulfill all our needs related to our physical, spiritual and intellectual growth. Jesus demonstrates and teaches us this. Although He was the Son of God, He honored His mother and His foster-father and was obedient to them (Luke 2:51). This does not mean that Jesus would have ever been obedient to them over God’s will. If an adult child were ever to be obedient to parents over the will of God, they would be violating the first 3 commandments regarding our responsibilities toward God. In other words, this is not a commandment to blindly follow the will of earthly parents. The commandment is to ‘honor’ them, not just do what they say all the time which is where I think this commandment is sometimes misinterpreted.
I believe this commandment is one of the most widely cited in Christian families, but it can often be the most misunderstood. In some family situations, this commandment is improperly used by parents to try and shame adult children into doing things that the parents may want, but may be against God’s will. In some extreme situations where there is a more toxic family environment, this commandment is even used as a weapon to condone emotional abuse.
Just like all human beings, parents are human and fallible. We can make mistakes. We can sin and lead others to sin. It is the parents’ responsibility to educate their children in our faith and to lead by example. Actually, it is all of our responsibility to help educate others in our faith and lead by example. If you’re in a position of authority over others, your responsibility is even greater. As Uncle Ben in Spiderman said, “with great power, comes great responsibility”.
By children living a life in accordance with God’s will, they show their parents the utmost honor, respect, and love which means that sometimes the most loving, respectful, and honoring thing a child can do for their parents is not obey them if it is against God’s will. Jesus said, “If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.”
As a parent, that sounds a bit dangerous that our children could disagree with us however when our children disagree, it can be a great teaching moment. Children need to learn the skill of how to respectfully disagree. If they disagree, but it’s disrespectful, we can help demonstrate what respectful disagreement looks like.
Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we don’t even realize it. Someone who truly loves you and wants what’s best for you, would want to help you by pointing out when you make a mistake so that you can fix it. Someone who loves you wouldn’t use your mistakes as an opportunity to condemn you (like the evil one). Instead, they could use this as an opportunity to make you aware of the mistake, seeking to understand the circumstances leading to the mistakes so they can help you fix it and learn from it. This also allows for a healthy exchange of information in a safe environment where everyone learns. When you make another person aware of what you perceive as something against God’s will, you may find that there was additional information that you were not aware of and that this was not a mistake at all, but in line with God’s will. Sometimes we, as parents, make snap judgments about what we think happened or who did what, but we don’t have all the information. Instead of following God’s will and seeking to fully understand and teaching our children on discipline to become a disciple of God, we can fall into being more like the evil one who is the “accuser”.
In addition to teaching your children how to respectfully disagree, in some cases, they will provide you with new information that may change your perspective and make you realize that you were wrong. In those situations, now you have a great opportunity to teach, and demonstrate, for your children the courage and power of humility. By allowing our children to respectfully disagree when they think something is going against the will of God, we are showing as parents that we are willing to listen, that they are being heard, and when we are wrong, we can demonstrate humility by acknowledging we were wrong and thanking them for speaking up and helping us in living our lives according to God’s will. Just as sin begets sin. Love begets love. We can become a living example of the honor, love, and respect that God expects of us and that we, as parents, want to teach our children.
WHAT DOES THE COMMANDMENT REQUIRE?
- According to the Catechism, the fourth commandment shows us the order of charity. It indicates that God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents and those whom he has vested with authority for our good. (2248) It is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it. This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons. (2199)
- Children owe their parents respect, gratitude, just obedience, and assistance. Filial respect fosters harmony in all of family life. (2251) As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so. As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. (2217) The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. Grown children, as much as they can, must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. (2218)
- Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children in the faith, prayer, and all the virtues. They have the duty to provide as far as possible for the physical and spiritual needs of their children. (2252) Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, they educate their children to fulfill God’s law. (2222); Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule. The home is well suited for education in the virtues. This requires an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgment, and self-mastery – the preconditions of all true freedom. Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children. By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them: (2223);
- Parents should respect and encourage their children’s vocations. They should remember and teach that the first calling of the Christian is to follow Jesus. (2253) When children become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them – quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family. (2230); Family ties are important but not absolute. As the child grows to maturity and human and spiritual autonomy, so his unique vocation which comes from God asserts itself more clearly and forcefully. Parents should respect this call and encourage their children to follow it. They must be convinced that the first vocation of the Christian is to follow Jesus: “He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” (2232); Becoming a disciple of Jesus means accepting the invitation to belong to God’s family, to live in conformity with His way of life: “For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother, and sister, and mother.” Parents should welcome and respect with joy and thanksgiving the Lord’s call to one of their children to follow him in virginity for the sake of the Kingdom in the consecrated life or in priestly ministry. (2233)
- Honor all who for our good have received authority in society from God. (2234); We are to regard those in authority as representatives of God, who has made them stewards of his gifts: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution…. Live as free men, yet without using your freedom as a pretext for evil; but live as servants of God.” Our loyal collaboration includes the right, and at times the duty, to voice our just criticisms of that which seems harmful to the dignity of persons and to the good of the community. (2238)
- Public authority is obliged to respect the fundamental rights of the human person and the conditions for the exercise of his freedom. (2254); Those who exercise authority should do so as a service. “Whoever would be great among you must be your servant.” (2235); The exercise of authority is meant to give outward expression to a just hierarchy of values in order to facilitate the exercise of freedom and responsibility by all. Those in authority should practice distributive justice wisely, taking account of the needs and contribution of each, with a view to harmony and peace. They should take care that the regulations and measures they adopt are not a source of temptation by setting personal interest against that of the community. (2236); Authorities are obliged to respect the fundamental rights of the human person and dispense justice humanely by respecting the rights of everyone, especially of families and the disadvantaged. (2237)
- It is the duty of citizens to work with civil authority for building up society in a spirit of truth, justice, solidarity, and freedom. (2255) However, citizens are obliged in conscience not to follow the directives of civil authorities when they are contrary to the demands of the moral order. “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). (2256); It is the duty of citizens to contribute along with the civil authorities to the good of society in a spirit of truth, justice, solidarity, and freedom. the love and service of one’s country follow from the duty of gratitude and belong to the order of charity. (2239); This submission to authority and co-responsibility for the common good make it morally obligatory to pay taxes, to exercise the right to vote, and to defend one’s country: Pay to all of them their dues, taxes to whom taxes are due, revenue to whom revenue is due, respect to whom respect is due, honor to whom honor is due. We are to offer prayers and thanksgiving for all who exercise authority, “that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life, godly and respectful in every way.” (2240); The citizen is obliged in conscience not to follow the directives of civil authorities when they are contrary to the demands of the moral order, to the fundamental rights of persons or the teachings of the Gospel. Refusing obedience to civil authorities, when their demands are contrary to those of an upright conscience, finds its justification in the distinction between serving God and serving the political community. “Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” “We must obey God rather than men.” When citizens are under the oppression of a public authority which oversteps its competence, they should still not refuse to give or to do what is objectively demanded of them by the common good; but it is legitimate for them to defend their own rights and those of their fellow citizens against the abuse of this authority within the limits of the natural law and the Law of the Gospel. (2242)
HOW CAN WE APPLY THIS TO OUR FAITH?
- Honor, love and respect God, your parents, those in authority, and your neighbors.
- As with any of the Commandments, it’s important to contemplate where you may have violated this Commandment when doing an examination of conscience prior to going to confession. Where you may have gone against this commandment, confess, repent, make it right as best you can, which would include providing restitution for those you may have sinned against, and ask for forgiveness from them and God. God knows our heart. He knows if there is true humility and acknowledgment of the sin, true contrition for the sin, and the true desire to repent and avoid the sin in the future. Without these things, forgiveness is not possible. God gives us the path to accept His grace and to be forgiven of our sins however He also gives us the free will to choose not to take the path to forgiveness.
- Examination of conscience: If still under my parents’ care, have I obeyed all that my parents reasonably asked of me? Have I neglected the needs of my parents in their old age or in their time of need? Have I intentionally disrespected my parents, my family, the elderly, or anyone with legitimate authority? If still in school, have I shown respect and obeyed the reasonable demands of my teachers? Have I neglected my work or my studies? Have I been helpful in my home? If I have children, have I neglected to give my children proper food, clothing, shelter, education, discipline, and care (even after Confirmation)? Have I provided for the religious education and formation of my children for as long as they are under my care? Have I ensured that my children still under my care regularly frequent the sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion? Have I been a good example of how to live in the Catholic Faith for my children? Have I prayed with and for my children? Have I prayed for the deceased members of my family including the souls in purgatory? Have I lived in humble obedience to those who legitimately exercise authority over me? Have I broken any just law? Have I supported or voted for a politician whose positions are opposed to the teachings of Christ and the Catholic Church?
HOW CAN WE APPLY THIS TO OUR FAMILY?
- Children demonstrate honor, love, and respect for God, your parents, your teachers, your coaches, your elders, and others. If you ever feel that someone is directing or influencing you in a way that is opposed to God’s will, respectfully discuss it with them to seek understanding and help direct them to God’s will out of honor, love and respect.
- Parents demonstrate honor, love, and respect for God, your children, those in authority, and others. If you ever feel that someone is directing or influencing you in a way that is opposed to God’s will, respectfully discuss it with them to seek understanding and help direct them to God’s will out of honor, love and respect.
HOW CAN WE APPLY THIS TO OUR BUSINESS?
- Employees honor and respect your employer. If you ever feel that your employer is directing or influencing you in a way that is opposed to God’s will, or the core values of the business, respectfully discuss it with them to seek understanding and help direct them out of honor, love and respect.
- Employers honor and respect your employees. If you ever feel they are acting in a way that is opposed to God’s will, or the core values of your organization, respectfully discuss it with them to seek understanding and help direct them out of honor, love and respect.
Take care and God bless. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me.
ADDITIONAL WISDOM FROM THE BIBLE
- Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—this is the first commandment with a promise: “so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4 NRSVCE
- For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever speaks evil of father or mother must surely die.’ – Mark 7:10 NRSVCE
- The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these. – Mark 12:31 NRSVCE
- Better is open rebuke than hidden love – Proverbs 27:5 NRSVCE