In a previous article on the “Top 5 Reasons Family Businesses Fail“, poor communication was listed as the top cause. This is supported by numerous studies including one from Harvard Business Review that indicated it was the cause of 60% of the failures. In addition to poor communication being the top cause, it’s important to note that without strong, effective communication skills to discuss the most difficult conversations, it’s impossible to address the other four causes for failure as well. In other words, a family can’t effectively address any of the five top reasons for failure unless they address the poor communication. Think about it, if your family and leadership team can’t effectively discuss, mutually agree upon, support, and have accountability to the family and business mission and values, the corporate governance, the succession plan, the business plan, etc., how can you possibly navigate the complexities of family dynamics and operating a successful company?
Most Common Form of Poor Communication Is Avoidance of Difficult Conversations
In any relationship, whether within the family or business, there will be times that require difficult conversations. How those conversations are handled can build trust and bring the family closer or it can destroy trust and tear the family and business apart. Unfortunately, too often families don’t even have the conversation. They avoid discussing any difficult or controversial topics because it’s uncomfortable and takes skills that often haven’t been effectively developed. Family members also deceive themselves that by avoiding the topic, they will “keep the peace”. However, any illusion of peace is only short-term because this avoidance always leads to bigger problems down the road.
In business, many leaders are apprehensive about establishing and enforcing rules for acceptable employee behavior. Even when they are established, some don’t enforce them or look the other way when they are violated. Many people are afraid to discuss the elephant in the room for fear of confrontation, offending someone, or losing their job. Instead of confronting this fear, they usually end up faking it to appear “nice”. When in reality, avoiding these discussions is anything but nice and the problems only get worse.
Many people will do almost anything to avoid difficult conversations and then rationalize why they are not having the conversation (e.g. “It will just make things worse.”, “They can’t be reasoned with.”, “It is too difficult to talk about.”) Usually, the rationalization involves people deceiving themselves that there are only 2 choices: 1. be honest, upset the other person, and make things worse OR 2. avoid the conversation and keep the peace. This is a fool’s choice because both choices are wrong. It is possible to have conversations about the most difficult topics and even improve the relationship.
“If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out.”
According to Joseph Grenny at Crucial Learning, when an issue arises, “if you don’t talk it out, you will act it out.” When these issues aren’t discussed, they will fester. Driving a deeper wedge between people and potentially cementing the division. Some people fool themselves into thinking they are good at hiding the issue however, intentionally or unintentionally, they will act out their issue through actions, body language, or falling away from each other which will further deteriorate the relationship.
In addition, you may have heard the phrases, “you get what you tolerate” or “if you don’t respond to bad behavior, you get more of it”. In other words, when you ignore an issue hoping that it will go away on its own, not only will it not go away, but it will spread and get worse. If you don’t address bad behavior, you’re encouraging and enabling it. This is true whether you’re talking about what behavior you allow in the workplace or at home.
“When you assume…”
Instead of seeking to understand, people will avoid the conversation and begin filling the gaps with negative assumptions about the other person. They will begin to convince themselves that these negative assumptions are actually “facts” about the other person because of the self-affirmation bias. The self-affirmation bias is a natural tendency for people to strengthen and remember anything they see that they believe confirms their assumption and to discount anything they see that is contrary to their assumption. This bias can convince us that our negative assumptions are actually “facts” when they are at best incomplete opinions and at worst, completely false narratives.
Avoidance Opens the Door to Further Division and Manipulation
Worst of all, when someone has a conflict, but they don’t have the courage or skills to discuss it directly with the person involved, they will often still discuss it with another person (e.g. to “vent”, “get their opinion”, “ask for advice”, etc.). Instead of talking WITH the other person, they are talking ABOUT the other person. This passive-aggressive behavior introduces the common, and potentially most destructive and manipulative, type of communication – triangulation. At its worst, triangulation is intentionally manipulating others as a divide and conquer strategy. At its best, it’s unintentionally venting (also known as gossiping) to a third party that is not the direct person who is involved (thus a triangle). Whether intentional or unintentional, it is just as destructive to relationships.
When we avoid difficult conversations, we make problems worse so how do we handle these conversations so they go well? What are the best practices? How can I increase the chances that these conversations will be productive and strengthen relationships?
Solution: ‘Love Your Neighbor as Yourself’ Is Your Guide
Consider the guidance from following the 2nd Greatest Commandment from Jesus to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). If someone had an issue with you, wouldn’t you want them to discuss it with you instead of letting it fester as your relationship deteriorates? Wouldn’t you prefer that they respectfully bring it up to understand your perspective instead of making assumptions about you? Wouldn’t you prefer they discuss the issue with you directly instead of discussing it with others? If they have good intent in having the conversation (e.g. to solve the issue, improve the relationship, help you, etc.), wouldn’t you want them to bring it up? In other words, the command to love our neighbor as ourselves provides a general guide of the difficult conversations we need to have and how we need to have them.
More specifically, in order to improve confidence, skills, and results for difficult conversations, consider the following:
Before the Conversation:
- Seek Out and Improve Your Skills: We are not born with these skills. As with any skill, it takes training and practice. As skills improve, confidence in holding the difficult conversation will grow. These problems aren’t going to go away by themselves. For help, read books, attend seminars, find a mentor, and practice. It will take courage and skill. Stay the course until the problem is fully vetted and resolved. Some books with training to consider: Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory, Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott.
- Get Clarity on Your Motivation: Before having the difficult conversation, determine your motive for having the conversation and ask yourself whether it’s necessary. Ensure that your intent is good and not to look good, blame, shame or punish. Is the conversation an attempt to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)? Are your motives pure? Do you truly want to help the other person? Is it possible that you want to call them out or wish to defend yourself in some way? Is the conversation motivated by some selfish desire or a desire to help the other person and improve your relationship? Don’t jump into a difficult conversation until you are very clear on the purpose of the conversation and your intent behind having it.
- Choose the Right Setting: With difficult topics, in-person and in-private is usually the best. Most of what we communicate is in tone and body language which is often lost in other forms of communication. If others are involved, it may bring in unnecessary variables and emotions that will prevent open and honest communication.
- Have the Right Tone: As St. Paul described, we should “restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1). When discussing embarrassing, frustrating, or painful topics, it’s important to convey not only the right tone of voice, but also the right body language. By being clear on your pure motive for the conversation, you will be able to “start with heart” and your body language and tone should follow.
- Pray for Guidance and Trust the Holy Spirit: Pray and ask for the Lord to guide your words and emotions to help resolve the issue. Trust in the Lord and ask to “keep watch over the door of my lips”. (Psalm 141:3)
During the Conversation:
- Establish a Safe Environment: Ask for permission to discuss the topic. If willing to discuss, open the conversation by being clear about your purpose. Make sure your good intent is clear to the other.
- Establish Ground Rules: Respectful Communication is required. No raised voices. No name-calling. No anger. Only calm tones. Paraphrase or repeat back what the other has said before responding. No cutting each other off. Both commit to seeking to understand each other versus seeking to judge each other. Mutually commit to keeping the focus on the mutual purpose and what you both really want. Stay respectful and apologize if necessary.
If either person gets too angry that they can’t abide by the rules, don’t have the conversation anyway. Take a brief pause or postpone the conversation until calmed down. Before breaking confirm a time in the near future to continue the conversation (no more than 24-48 hours). If you don’t confirm a time or set the time out too far, it will be too easy to cancel, reschedule again, or forget where you left off.
- Describe Your Views and Seek to Understand Theirs. Tentatively, gently, describe the specific, objective observations you have made. Avoid any accusations, inflammatory language, criticism of their character, or negative conclusions. Then describe your view or perception from those observations. Then allow them to describe their perspective. Seek to understand their point of view. Actively listen to the words, tone, and body language they are communicating. Paraphrase back to them what you believe you heard from them to make sure you are clear on their perspective. This does not mean you necessarily agree with what they said. You are just confirming that you understand them and their point of view.
In some cases, the issue may be because of incomplete information, assumptions, or misperceptions which may get cleared up by getting a more complete picture of what has been observed. If not, continue to collectively explore solutions. Consider creative solutions that will achieve what you both want.
Keep in mind that you are seeking to speak the truth in love. Difficult words can soften hearts if spoken gently. Jesus gave us a great example when He exposed the Samaritan woman’s sin at the well and poured out the living water of His grace. It is hatred to condemn without the hope of redemption however condemnation with Christ’s redemption is love. The truth may be hard to discuss however offer them the hope and grace for redemption to free them from any condemnation.
Make sure to acknowledge any other factors that have led to the need for the conversation. This should include acknowledging anything you may have done, or not done, that may have contributed to the conflict or problem. If so, you must own your part. Humbly recognize the log in your eye before pointing out the speck in another’s. (Matthew 7:1-5) Apologize if necessary and absolutely no fake apologies like “I am sorry if”, “I am sorry, but.”, “I’m sorry you were upset.”, I’m sorry you took offense”, etc. These forms of fake apologies are disrespectful and will only set you back.
We are all sinners. When we sin, our goals are forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption. As this is the goal for ourselves, this should be the goal for our neighbor. The sin someone committed against you is the same sin that lies in your heart. We all need Christ’s grace. So, when you have a difficult conversation, don’t shy away from the difficult truth. Speak the truth in love for your neighbor as yourself.
- Conclude with Next Steps: Make sure to document the next steps of who does what by when. Be very specific and follow through. If it isn’t documented or it’s too vague, you may end up at square one having the same conversation over again.
Holding these conversations is not easy, especially at first. It is a skill, and like any skill, it requires training and continued practice. The first few conversations may be a bit rocky, but keep at it. It is a necessary skill for any leader and requires especially high skills in family businesses where histories, emotions, and other dynamics create additional complications and variables.
The foundation of your family and business are relationships. Strengthen that foundation by addressing difficult conversations head-on and speaking the truth out of love.
Take care and God bless. I’m praying for you. Please pray for me.
ADDITIONAL WISDOM FROM THE BIBLE
- “But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” – Ephesians 4:15 NRSVCE
- “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” – Proverbs 27:5 NRSVCE
- “So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another.” – Ephesians 4:25 NRSVCE
- “Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you are doing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NRSVCE
- “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.” – Matthew 7:1-5 NRSVCE
- “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth” – 2 Timothy 2:24-25 NRSVCE
- “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.” – Matthew 18:15 NRSVCE
- “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive.” – Luke 17:3 NRSVCE
- “you should know that whoever brings back a sinner from wandering will save the sinner’s soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” – James 5:20 NRSVCE
- “You shall not hate in your heart anyone of your kin; you shall reprove your neighbor, or you will incur guilt yourself.” – Leviticus 19:17 NRSVCE
- “If I say to the wicked, ‘O wicked ones, you shall surely die,’ and you do not speak to warn the wicked to turn from their ways, the wicked shall die in their iniquity, but their blood I will require at your hand.” – Ezekiel 33:8 NRSVCE
- “If, however, you warn the righteous not to sin, and they do not sin, they shall surely live, because they took warning; and you will have saved your life.” – Ezekiel 3:21 NRSVCE
- “There is severe discipline for one who forsakes the way, but one who hates a rebuke will die.” – Proverbs 15:10 NRSVCE